What I Want for Christmas
by Atopos
Summary: Christmas with the Akatsuki is always far from normal. Tobi just hopes he gets what he wants this year. Warnings: yaoi, swearing, and a lot of random thoughts.
1. A Partridge in a Pear Tree

Atopos - Well, Happy Holidays everyone! I know it might be a little late to be putting a Christmas story up, but I finally got around to doing one. This one might go right into through the holidays if I do it the way I want. This is only the first chapter. Please Review, and remember that I only borrow the characters on a day-to-day basis.

Another thing, for those who liked my story 'The Dreaded Love Potion', I'm currently making a sequel. I've kind of run out of inspiration at the moment, but it will be better than the first!

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**What I Want for Christmas**

I've learned over the past few years that holidays spent with the Akatsuki are never like they are when you spend them with a real family. Then again, for some of us, Akatsuki is our family. Itachi-san wants to kill us, Kakuzu-san wants to sell us to ready-to-buy fangirls, and Sir Leader regrets buying us back time and time again. Okay, so we're a family with a few issues, but who doesn't know some of those? Either way, I love my family. Whether or not they love me back doesn't matter… I don't think I want to know the answer anyways.

So, you might be thinking about why I'm talking about the upcoming holidays. I don't really care if you said no; I'm going to tell you. You see, we celebrate practically everything. My personal favourite is Different Colour Sock Day. Don't ask. Hidan-san also likes holidays, just not the ones the rest of the world enjoys. He sees us as heathens for celebrating such wonderful things. He also wants us to die, and is willing to kill us off in one swing. It's a good thing Zetsu-san protects me for reasons unknown.

Well, now that we celebrate Christmas like the rest of the (sane) world, I'm stuck finding the tree. Zetsu-san hates this part of Christmas, so I always volunteer. He finds no problem with eating human children, but as soon as it comes time to chop down a tree, he goes all angsty on us. I think I have a weird teacher. I used to anyways. I know have Deidara-sempai as my teacher, and everyone knows how much better we get along together.

Back to the work at hand. I stare down the tree I've been thinking about chopping up for awhile now. I didn't really 'stare it down' because that's impossible. You have to have like really strong beams coming from your eyes to take down an entire tree… How do I keep getting off topic?! That was the dumbest argument I've ever had with myself in a long time. So, this tree is particularly evil because it blocks all the sunlight we can get in the bedroom I share with Deidara-sempai. Speaking of the devil, sempai was right here a moment ago…

BANG!!

FOUND HIM! I don't know how Deidara-sempai thinks he can do undercover missions. He's the most obvious person in the entire world. He blows stuff up randomly, he has this odd temper that has him beating people up when he's angry (coughmecough), and let's not forget the bestest and oddest part about him; he has a fanboy! Um…that would be me…

…………

Well, let's not go crazy here. I don't hear any "Oh my God, no way! Tobi, the good boy, has a crush on an evil genius?!" As a matter of fact, yes, yes I do. But it's a small crush. Like, for example, if I could hold his hand for just a second, I would be prepared to take on any ninja to protect his honour. If I could make him smile for only a moment, I would be the happiest person in the entire world. If I could kiss him for only a short amount of time, I would probably die from being too excited. So…yeah, it's only a tiny crush…

I'll tell you something else that might really shock every single one of you. Nobody else knows. Wait a minute! You can't tell anyone about this! If anyone finds out, there might be trouble! As much as I love (yes, I said love) sempai, I would never want anything to hurt him. I don't want anyone to know I like him until sempai knows first… I've also learned that I am a very complex person.

I'm pretty sure most people know, though. Hidan-san is always looking at me, then looking at Deidara-sempai as if he can see the tiny red string that ties our hearts together. Or maybe it's because sempai wants to destroy that tiny red string so that he can leave me without me finding him. The red string is like a leash I've learned. It ties two people together (or more, depending on what you're into), but it can also make one person want to strangle the other with the leash or one person will just let go of it and let the other wander off until they find a leg to hump… Wow… Okay, now that was just weird, right? Right.

"How are we gonna get it back to the hideout?" I ask after staring at the tree, acting as if I hadn't just compared Deidara-sempai to a dog and our love to a leash… That topic might come back up in my mind when I have time to think about sexual opportunities. Maybe this whole 'make the tree look big' was Zetsu-san's hidden ploy. Get Tobi to want the big pine tree that stands next to the hideout because it looks so perfect, then turn it into a ninja-eating monster. It sounds like a good plan since I am now having second thoughts about it. "Scratch that, how will we chop it down?"

Normally, I'm a very optimistic person, but this seems impossible to me. As smart as I like to think I am, I've never thought my plans out. I take another look at the tree and realize for the first time that it could even be frozen to the ground. The only people I know with enough strength aren't anywhere nearby, too. Hidan-san doesn't want to help and Kisame-san had a mission to do since this morning. Now, we're officially stuck.

"You're a dumbass, un."

Guess who said that. That's right. God. No, I'm kidding, but I'm very close. Deidara-sempai said that. The best part of it is that he said it to me. Yup. Deidara-sempai is paying attention to little ol' me. I feel very happy now as this only happens like once a day. Of course, what he said wasn't very nice, but it was to me, so no one should get in the way of our little love fest. We're too much in love to care about what the little people think.

"What do you suggest, sempai?" I ask cheerfully. Of course it's cheerful! I'm talking to a walking sex God here! Maybe you guys don't understand how hot sempai really is. Well, you see every part about him is just gorgeous. His eyes, his lips, his hair, his chest, his hips, his… Yeah, everything. See, I don't really know where my infatuation with him came from. From the moment I saw his face for the first time, my life became centered on him. He brings the sun up every morning and makes the stars twinkle every night. The river is jealous of his voice and all the flowers in the world are jealous of his beauty.

As I said before, I only have a tiny crush on him.

"Just watch, un."

I do every morning, but I don't think he's talking about my recent hobby of watching him bathe or change his clothes… Um, yeah, sempai looks good when he's mad at me for staring, and running after me with just a towel on, waving a thing of shampoo threateningly…let's just leave it at that.

So, sempai opens up his light blue coat and pulls the zipper on one of his clay pouches. He has this thing where he thinks he's going to be attacked when we're not in the hideout, so he brings his weapons with him. It's hard to be spotted, though, since some of us where normal clothing when we're out not committing crimes. When we do this, we look like teenage ninjas out looking for a good time. I am, but I don't think sempai is…yet. Me, I look like a ninja with an orange mask on. So much for incognito when you're with me… Maybe that's why sempai brings his weapons…

Back on topic once again. For some reason, I always seem to drift off every few minutes. Maybe that's why I'm always happy. My mind is usually occupied with the usual things that make up my life. There's the normal stuff like walking, sleeping, eating, and breathing. There's also a much bigger part of my life in the other side of my brain, which is made up of candy, sempai, funny jokes, sempai, being a powerful ninja in an evil organization, and most of all SEMPAI!! I might have an obsession over my mentor, and I might steal his underwear for special rituals when I think no one's watching, but at least I'm not reading my thoughts out of pure boredom. Take that! Ooooooh, burn.

You might be able to guess now that we were able to get the tree out by blowing out the bottom of the trunk with my sempai's clay. He's very wonderful if you don't stand so close to him. I've done it multiple times, and I think the only reason he tries to kill me is because he knows I'm staring at his ass (I got that word from Hidan-san, among a few others that are insults to many in the organization) when I'm behind him, and I'm staring at his…other things when I'm in front of him. His face, you bad perverts! It's very pretty.

Tobi's also a closet pervert. The good boy outer shell is just a cover up for all the dirty things I wish to do to my younger, sexier, more talented teacher. He's a tease and I think he knows it. Otherwise, he wouldn't have an attack where he has to open his shirt or use the mouths on his hands. Sempai must be a pervert, too…I hope.

"Now we drag it back, un," sempai says with pride. This might prove to be quite difficult. Like I've already said, I'm usually optimistic until I know I might have trouble. Neither sempai nor I are powerhouses. We're both rather weak without our gear. And I don't remember the first few years of my life, so I'm out of any techniques that could have helped us. Yup, we're completely useless now.

"How are we going to manage that, sempai?" I ask thoughtfully. There are moments when I think I am the mature one out of the two of us. There are also times when I can talk to sempai without getting yelled at. While we're at it, I bet there are times when unicorns sprinkle fairy dust on top of elves to make them want to start a war with the opposing garden gnomes.

It seems that sempai also has this problem solved before I even begin to think about if the gnomes will carry little crossbows or not. Could prove to be interesting. My attention flies to sempai when I see his hand disappear. To my disappointment, he's only gathering some clay, and I watch curiously as he makes a small centipede. In a word, ew. I hate those things, especially when you wake up and you're completely covered in them because your cute, blond partner got bored.

The small centipede crawls from sempai's hand to underneath the tree. The tree was still on it's side from the explosion, and it moved shakily as the centipede picked it up on to it's back and grows to match the size of the tree trunk. I was amazed. Sempai was always smart when he thought people doubted him. This person is usually me, or Itachi-san, or Hidan-san…typically Itachi-san.

Sempai turns to me with a proud smile, as if wanting me to point out a flaw with his plan. I saw none, but the smile that rested on his lips causes my breath to stop somewhere between my throat and my nose. I think I hear angels singing…or that could be my ears ringing from lack of oxygen. This has to be one of the best days of my life. Sempai turns away when he doesn't hear any praise for his work. I still want to say something, but I can't think past the bright smile he gave me.

He starts heading back to the hideout with one of his many masterpieces behind him. I can't watch him when I know I've disappointed him so much. Sempai is always looking for praise, yet I can never get the words out. I love him so much, so when he turns to me for attention, I'm so surprised and I can't begin to think about how much I care for him. There rests my problem. If I can't tell sempai how wonderful I think he and his work is, how will I possibly gain his heart?

Sigh…

I kick at the snow with the same old frustration. Poor, poor snow. The ground always seems to be on the receiving end of my aggravation. It's not like I can take it out on others. It would shock the pants off anyone, though… Not a bad idea, I should try that sometimes… Just not around Itachi-san. Hold on a second. EWWWWWWW!

I'm okay now. Well, you know how I feel about Deidara-sempai, and I believe it's quiet clear how he feels about me. I don't know if I should give up or keep on trying. As the saying goes: If you really love something, let it go. Then again, Deidara-sempai isn't a _something_, he's a special some_one_. And there's no possible way I'm going to let him go.

Yes, I'm a romantic at heart. I also realize that I'm a lot different when I'm thinking everything over for a change.

"Hey, moron! Get your ass in here before you fucking freeze!"

Yes, that would be our beloved Hidan-san screaming at me from the Akatsuki's entrance. If that doesn't show people where we are, I don't know what will. Nonetheless, I walk over to him, a smile behind my mask.

"Thank you, Hidan-san, I didn't mean to make you worry." Take that, I am the king of hidden sarcasm. Now, if I could only get sempai to be my dashing queen.

Hidan-san does give me an odd look to my response. "That's not why I'm fucking yelling at you! I just don't want to get into any fucking trouble from the fucking leader when we have to drag your dead fucking corpse back in here."

He's very caring, I swear. He can be such a pussycat sometimes that I forget he knows how to be evil at all.

… Maybe now isn't the best time to go through with this with Hidan-san since he keeps giving me that 'you're so dead, asshole' look instead of the normal 'why the hell are you still here' look. I know how to read pretty boys! Be afraid, very afraid!!

I skip into the hideout as fast as I can to avoid Hidan-san's wrath. It's a terrible force that strikes even the strongest ninjas. Hidan-san is very unpredictable much to our worry and fear for our objects. It's the same with Deidara-sempai, and we've yet to learn who's the worst for temper tantrums overall. My bet is on Deidara-sempai since he's the best at everything.

Speaking of betting, Kakuzu-san walks out now. We could have a party out here now!

Kakuzu-san glares at me as if he's read my mind and disagrees strongly. "Why the hell are you two standing out here for?"

"The ass was out here dancing around my fucking bedroom window," Hidan-san answers, pointing at me.

I wasn't dancing, but I was probably at his window. This might get awkward of the conversation goes on for much longer.

"Get inside," Kakuzu-san growls fiercely. Awwww, he worries about both of us. Let's see if anyone comes out to worry about Kakuzu-san. "You're letting all the heat out. I have to pay for that, you know."

Of course, we all can't be nice, there has to be a reason for everything. Might as well do as they say. I can start dinner, take a shower, and bask in the bedroom as Deidara-sempai works on his art. I couldn't think of a better night if I had years to try.

Christmas only comes once a year, after all. Who knows, I might get lucky and catch Deidara-sempai under the mistletoe this year… Unlike last year when Sasori-san got to him first when we first started celebrating Christmas…

CRASH!

Note to self: don't think to yourself when wandering around the hideout, you could bump into things without noticing. It really hurts, especially when thinking about a naked sempai.

Ow…

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TBC...


	2. Two Turtle Doves

Atopos - Sorry! I know I'm late for Christmas, but I've been spending a lot of time with my dad lately. I wrote this when he was sick with the flu and I was watching him (somehow he always gives me the best ideas). This one isn't the funniest thing I've ever done, but it goes somewhere! I swear it does! Enjoy!

Standard disclaimer applies.

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**_chapter 2_**

How do you spend your Saturday afternoons? I spent most of my morning listening to everyone argue over how to decorate the tree. I, of course, believe that I have the best ideas overall, but no one listens to me unless it's worth something. This isn't one of those moments, so I'm watching quietly. Sooner or later, though, they're going to call on me to fix the whole thing since none of them have a holiday bone in their bodies.

"Fuck all you asses then," Hidan-san screams at the rest of us. We've abandoned him to work on the tree practically alone. I can tell he just wants to damn the thing to hell and be done with it. I'm all for that. The thing's staring at me, so I have a feeling it'll go all mass murderer on us.

Hidan-san, the only one brave enough to approach Beastie (the little nickname I have bestowed upon the creature that now lives in the living room of our hideout), steps forward finally and hangs one of his rosaries on a branch of Beastie. It shimmers in the light, and we all get this really odd thought at the same time. This is very uncommon for us. We can look at the same thing and see a million different ways to use it. Like a plunger.

I watch from the couch as Deidara-sempai makes a few small clay ornaments manically and hangs them to other branches. Blowing Beastie up is another great idea. I can just imagine the mess that would cause in the hideout… In a matter of seconds the tree has something resembling each member. I even put some brightly coloured candy wrappers on the tree for my piece. They were going to have candy in them, but I got a little hungry. No one will miss them. If I did leave the candy there, someone else would eat them. That's just the type of thing Hidan-san or Kisame-san would do if they got hungry…or wanted to laugh at me.

Everyone seems so caught up in the decorating that most of them don't notice people disappearing to do their own things. Sir Leader stayed only long enough to see if we weren't destroying everything. Itachi-san also leaves since he thinks we're a bunch of idiots. The only person I find very important vanishes before me as well. Deidara-sempai goes into the kitchen and, as tempted as I am to have fun with the other group members, I figure my sempai must come first.

I decide to follow him. There's nothing worst in the world than listening to so many voices arguing about what colour tinsel should be used. It's kind of like the first time we wanted to paint the main bathroom. It's pink, by the way, and I think Itachi-san was the one who won.

I see sempai in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. It's too early in the morning for him, so he's making some coffee. God, he's hot. How can he be so hot? I wish I was hot, then I could get hot people to like me… I have to stop saying hot.

He looks over his shoulder to give me an odd stare. Maybe he's mad about how many times I just used hot in a sentence. "We have a mission today, un."

My throat tightens and I feel horrified about that. I have this bad feeling about leaving the hideout today. Nonetheless, I don't want Deidara-sempai to be nervous, so I give a pleasant reply. "That's great, sempai! We'll have lots of fun! What are we supposed to do?"

I might not be able to stay so happy if he keeps giving me that desperate, hopeless look. "W-We have to go to Iwagakure, un."

I stare at him for a moment, knowing that he needs that long to recover himself. He knows how bad he looks. Of course, he looks good all the time. It's not exactly fair that I have to walk around with this wild beauty by my side at all times and I'm not allowed to touch him at all. It's the only real crime he ever commits. Besides killing people, and blowing things up, and stealing stuff.

"When do we leave, sempai?" It's all I can really ask on the topic. What else could I say when I knew it might bring tears to my sempai's lovely eyes…or eye, the other one is still covered by his long hair and that eyepiece that shall bring Itachi-san's downfall (Mwahaha). And no I don't mean Sasuke-san has become my sempai's eyepiece. The little bastard.

Do you think if I hugged him at this moment it would be too awkward?

………

It probably would be.

But I wanna do it!

Alright, calm down, it's obvious sempai is looking for some sympathy, which is something I'm not too good with. If I do say something, he'll think I'm patronizing him or making fun of him. I don't want to do that. I did after Sasori-san died, and I got kicked out of the bedroom for a month. Not fun. Sempai always has these creative ways at getting back at others.

"We go tonight, un."

Yeah, sex tonight would be a wonderful idea, sempai. I'm sure it would cheer you up… Even with the mask on, I'm sure he can sense that I'm blushing. Remember how I related our relationship to a leash? Well, sempai has this thing where he can sense how I feel like some animals can. Kind of. He probably knows that I'm blushing, but doesn't say anything.

Deidara-sempai looks back out at the snow rather than look at me. Of course, I feel bad for him; I just don't know what to do. Again, since I don't give a response, Deidara-sempai turns away from me and leaves the room to prepare for the mission.

I look back into the living room to see Kakuzu-san trying to strangle Hidan-san with the garland. They don't need me. The part of Christmas (or any holiday) where we try to kill each other has now become a tradition. Deidara-sempai is usually more at ease during Easter. He puts tiny bombs into the eggs, and…yeah. I can't say the outcome is my favourite. He usually gives me a chocolate egg and I'm always too thrilled to not notice it could be destructive until it's too late.

We all have a few problems. Mine just include accepting every little thing a certain blond, bomb-loving maniac hands over. It's a very normal problem. It's a lot different from Hidan-san's hobby of stabbing himself on the clean carpet or Itachi-san always muttering about how he's going to kill his brother whenever we have steak.

Obviously Deidara-sempai has a few issues about visiting his home village. I don't blame him one bit. If the people there are anything like him, I would be terrified.

… Note to self: bring heavy duty equipment and protection just in case.

This could one of many, many ways. I could get left behind…again. Deidara-sempai could try to kill me…again. Innocent lives could be taken! Again. We might even end up robbing a pancake house! Again. Honestly, there isn't something we haven't done in a village. Except for maybe…

Wow…

Could you imagine going to an unknown village, renting out a hotel room, using a fake name to assure yourself that no one knows who you are, and just…you know…play scrabble all night?

… Naked?

Okay, sure I guess playing scrabble naked would be pretty neat. Then again, I've always wanted to know if there was a 'Dirty Monopoly'. That would be so cool. I wouldn't play, of course, because Tobi is a good boy in public.

"HIDAN, YOU ASS! STOP FUCKING AROUND!"

That just ruins every fantasy I could ever possibly have. I swear that one day Kakuzu-san and Hidan-san will get married under one of Jashin's temples… If such a thing exists. It would be the coolest wedding in the world. There would be so much booze, and sex, and cursing… It would be the exact same way twenty years into the marriage as well! That way they couldn't be disappointed with each other since they already are! I am a genius.

…

I wonder if they would kill me if I told them my idea…

Maybe, but it'd be worth it. Deidara-sempai would definitely laugh at it. It would be funnier than that time I tripped Itachi-san when he was walking down the stair to the basement when it was flooded.

Tobi is a rebel with partially blind people.

Now! I must flee the torture of all Akatsuki members to pack for my special mission with sempai! Maybe I'll even give it a catchy name. Something like…the lovely Deidara-sempai and the powerful Tobi-sama's mission to the land of evil things!

The name might need some work…

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tbc...


	3. Three French Hens

Atopos - I own nothing, please R&R, and all that jazz. Now I must sleep before my parents check the phone line.

Chapter 3

"This is the song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves! This is the song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes!"

Clap, clap, clap.

"This is the song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves! This is the song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes!"

Clap, clap, clap.

"This is the song that gets on--"

"If you fucking sing that one more time, I'm shoving a bomb up your ass and detonating it!"

Well, there goes my amusement for the rest of the day. Unless sempai wants to change the word bomb to dick and the word detonating to fucking, then I'm completely out of ideas.

Welcome back to the useless space that is my mind. Next to me, as you can probably already guess, is my beautiful and caring partner Deidara-sempai. He's not in a very good mood – compared to all the other days where he is in one – mostly for the two reasons: that we're going back to his home country Iwagakure (he hasn't told me the reason in case I screw this mission up) and because he's stuck with me for the long trip.

The song I started singing five hours ago has yet to lighten the mood any, and I've seen my sempai look over the edge of his flying bird multiple times to see if there was any sane way of escaping my…insaneness… It's been a very long trip.

"Can you give me a hint about the mission, sempai?" I beg in the most pathetic way I can. Honestly, I just want to help him out. He looks so stressed out over returning. I didn't know criminals returned to their homes unless they had unfinished business.

I think Itachi-san went back once to check out how strong his brother was, or to get his jinchuuriku…or to find a missing hairbrush. Maybe that's why Deidara-sempai wants to go home. Maybe he's forgotten something. Like underwear for example. Well I hope he has more than one pair because I have no problems with taking a few, filling my closet with them – among other personal items that once belonged to my sempai – and worshiping them.

"I'm telling you nothing, un," Deidara-sempai replies sharply. "You'll mess this up for me."

I already know that I'll mess it up. That doesn't mean he can't tell me what the mission is, though. Maybe I should start singing another song before we all go crazy from the silence. It's not like sempai's threat could hurt me anyways. That's right. All hail the coolness that is Tobi!

"This is the plan," Deidara-sempai starts slowly, catching my attention because I love the sound of his voice. It's not like I really pay attention to the words, I only like the sounds. I sometimes pretend that the sounds he makes are really moans… Yeah, I either need more of a hobby or more of a sex life. Guess which one I'm deciding on. "Would you quit looking at me like that, un! All you have to do is wait outside the doors until I come for you –" I honestly think I should be in the same room if I want you to…never mind… "- We're going to assassinate someone who's very powerful in Iwagakure, un. He'll be working late tonight before any holidays he takes off to spend with his damn family. I'm doing this work for very personal reasons…"

Did you notice that?! Probably not because you can't see the expression on his face when he's done talking.

Coughcoughloserscoughcough.

He had obviously paused right there and gave me a look as if he doesn't know what he's saying. Normally he'd say that the reasons he's doing stuff is none of my business, but he just said that the reasons he's going on this mission is more personal than why Leader-sama is sending him out. Of course, for someone who reads between the lines a lot (how else would I get things like 'I love you' out of 'go the fuck away'?), it's very easy for me to pick something important out like that.

Deidara-sempai goes very quiet for the rest of the trip, and so do I for a change. I merely watch the back of sempai's head, thinking that he could start crying at any moment. I know he's strong, but anything could happen when he starts thinking of his home village.

We stop the giant bird just outside Iwagakure. Don't tell sempai but I've named the bird Firecracker. The name not only resembles his pretty little bombs, but the name also comes from a giant bird in another (video game made) world.

Sempai throws me a bag to put my cloak in, and it also has a costume in it that I had to wear. We were both going to wear grey kimonos. They looked normal enough that no one would ask us if we were out-of-towners. We would have to act as if we were mere travelers, not ninjas, since neither of us had headbands. The kimonos had hidden pockets big enough to hide any of our equipment. Sempai put his clay pouches under his kimono, looking extremely sexy in the loose clothes.

"This will be a piece of cake, un." Sempai smiles brightly at the thought. I smile too underneath the mask sempai and I fought over. He wanted me to remove it, but I put up a good fight over keeping it on. I said that I would trade the mask for his clothes, though. So, I get to keep my mask on…unfortunately. "All we have to do is pretend to be travelers, kill the dude once I find him, and get out of here without any troubles, un."

I nod in agreement. Sempai means that all he has to do is pretend to be a traveler, all he has to do is kill the guy, all I have to do is stay out of the way and not cause him any trouble. No problem. As long as I knew sempai was safe, then there would no problem with me staying out of the way.

Sempai leads me around Iwagakure, pointing out some of the major attractions after that. He knows his stuff about almost every building there. We finally stop outside one large structure. Like all the other buildings, it's built of some kind of very strong stone, and the village looks as if snow or rain was a rarity.

"This is where I go in, un," Deidara-sempai tells me strictly. I nod for the second time. He gives me a look that tells me he doesn't completely trust me being outside alone, but I would honestly do anything for him. If he told me to jump off a cliff leading into a river with jagged rocks, I would gladly do it for his enjoyment. "Don't make an asshole out of yourself."

As my beloved sempai entered the building, I leaned up against the wall next to the entrance. I wish I could have done more for him, but sempai likes doing things on his own. I had to just wait for his signal, any signal.

…

This was going to be a very long wait…

About two hours later, I sort of realized that something was wrong. It didn't usually take sempai two hours to kill someone. There were only two possible explanations for this: he either decided to leave me or he got captured. Guess which one I chose. Yeah, the last one. That's why I ran right into the building, forgetting all my sempai's well-planned out instructions.

And there he was, sitting in a chair facing me.

He looked pissed.

He was also beaten up and tied to the chair, which wasn't very good.

The person he was supposed to kill (I assume since he's the one controlling the three guards that have my sempai surrounded) is standing behind him, clutching his shoulder in a sick 'yeah-I-own-him-but-I-can-kick-your-ass-and-kill-him-if-you-come-near-me' sort of way.

This was definitely an 'Oh shit' moment.

- Atopos


	4. Four Calling Birds

Atopos - God, this isn't as good as my previous three chapters, but I assure you, I'm going somewhere with it. You may have to wait until after exams, of course. I honestly don't know when I'll be updating when Summer starts, and I've been working on my own things, so...who knows? Please R&R for me, good reviews make for harder and faster work. Also, if you have any ideas (any!), I'd love to receive some!

Christmas is such a wonderful time of year.

The sights are gorgeous.

Muddy snow covering the ground. Little kids pushing each other face first into the ice. Adults swarming stores to get the toy their children want. And, of course, steel bars.

Sigh, I hate prison…

"Blondie, we need to strip search you."

"I'm not fucking leaving this cell, un."

"Have it your way."

……

Maybe prison has it perks. Sempai doesn't think so, though. There are so many problems with being in a tight, cold, little cell…to sempai there are many problems with being in a tight, cold, little cell. To me it involves sempai wandering around in dirty robes getting searched by bigger ninjas (or is the plural for ninja 'ninja', like how the plural for sheep is 'sheep'?) and having to share a bed for body heat with me.

We get two square meals a day and get to talk with people. Even though they have searched sempai nearly every day this week (yes, I said week and I don't know if anyone's coming for us, thanks for asking), they have yet to discover that he originally came from Iwagakure. My only guess is that they must have forgotten an extremely young ninja blowing the stuffing out of their village.

After the other ninja leave, sempai sits with me. We don't do anything special, we just sit, stare, maybe talk, usually think. Sempai is always nervous about this time of day. The first time I asked why, he told me that "it was none of my fucking business, so shut up, and quit staring when someone has to use the bathroom". Like having one toilet in the middle of the cell is my fault.

I plan on asking again. You know, as if I'm completely taking advantage of the fact that he's probably gone even more insane than he used to be.

"Sempai, is there something wrong?"

Sempai snorts. "Don't be stupid. I'm stuck in a cell with the biggest idiot ever, un."

"And me, right, sempai?!"

Deidara-sempai stares at me. Okay, so the joke did nothing to lighten the mood one bit. The only good thing about this is that I've lost most of the nervousness I had before whenever I tried to talk to sempai. Being locked in a jail cell does that to a person, I suppose.

"Sempai? Did Sasori-san ever get you two in such a position?"

The cell went cold…well, even more so because we were near an open window. I knew sempai still missed his danna. This would be the first holiday without him. I took his empty seat on sempai's right. We were believed to be the worst twosome ever, but I decided to prove them (coughHidancough) wrong.

Sempai and I would be tough!

Sempai and I would be the best duo/pairing ever!

Sempai and I would escape the jail cell with at least a shred of dignity left!

Ow!

Sempai points to the people in the cell across from us. They stare at him like he's a slice of meat and they're the hungry dogs. To them, I'm invisible. Sad, yes. Effective, yes. Does it make me any unhappier? Not really, I don't mind. Let them think Tobi is weak. Tobi is all-powerful! WHEEEE!

……

I know it's supposed to be a scary laugh, but…oh well…

"Do something about it, dumbass, un." Sempai huddles farther into the back corner of the cell. He wraps his arms around his knees and hides his face.

I point to them. "You…doo-doo heads better stay away from my sempai or else…I'll let him attack you. Go get 'em, sempai!"

Deidara-sempai gives me a look of pure horror. "Don't be an asswipe, un!"

"I'll do something to your ass, sweetheart!"

Sempai and I stare at the man in disgust.

He stole my idea!

He also wants to do dirty things to my sempai!

"Alright, that's it," I stand up and move towards the cell bars. "Go kill them, sempai! They deserve it!"

Once again, sempai stares at me as if I'm the one he wants dead. I did nothing wrong. The problem with sempai in this state is that he thinks everyone is going to recognize him if he attacks someone. Therefore (big word), he leaves me to defend. He must know by now that I am peaceful. That no matter what, I shall not kill!

"You're a wuss, un," Deidara-semapi shoots at me, glaring.

A wuss that loves you!

"Maybe I can ask for my own cell."

I panic. "No, sempai! How will I protect you then?"

……

"What an asshole."

I don't know for sure if that came from the dirty, evil man in the other cell or my beloved sempai. At least they know that I'm alive, though.

"When we get out of here," sempai growls 'seductively' into my ear, "I'm going to fucking kill you."

For now I'm alive.

Very, very soon, Tobi is going to be blown up by his greatest sempai ever!

If we ever get out of here...

- Atopos


	5. Five Golden Rings

Atopos - Merry Ho Ho one and all! I started this story around this time last year, so now I attempt to finish it at some point. Of course, at this point, I have fallen in love with some other anime, and I may test my luck with those at some point. Unfortunately, I was unable to get Naruto or any of the characters for Christmas this year, so I still don't own it. Please R&R, considering this chapter is a bit more serious than the others (my sense of humour dies a little when I'm dead tired). Hope everyone has a good New Years and a Merry Christmas (even though it is now Boxing Day^^).

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Chapter 5

The jail cell was quiet…

Well, except for the criminals making death threats at me, Deidara-sempai slowly going insane, and the voice inside my head telling me to burn things. Other than that, this is pretty normal.

For anyone who cares, sempai and I have been in Iwagakure prison for about twelve hours. It's been cool because people now see me as a criminal.

Fear the awesomeness that is the Tobi!

It's been bad because the guards are thinking about giving us – or at least sempai – the death penalty. Which is actually very bad.

……

I'm bored now.

Deidara-sempai wants his clay so he can bust us out. Bust himself out in other words.

So here we sit for twelve hours…until we hear this noise coming towards us. Unless that's another voice trying to kill the other voice in my head, which wouldn't surprise me. But they keep coming closer, and closer, and closer until it feels like they're right on top of us! AHHHH! Save me sempai!

Oh yeah…

He's currently insane at the moment. Well, no need to bother him with trivial questions. That would be like asking Hidan-san what time it is during one of his rituals: suicidal.

So, I wait…

…and wait…

…look at sempai rocking back and forth in a fetal position…

…and I wait…

The voices are definitely coming closer, though, and I have a feeling that they're good voices. Of course, I've been wrong plenty of times before, and this time is no exception. The sound of Hidan-san cursing about anything and everything, and Kakuzu-san walking behind him surround us as they enter the room.

I should probably explain. Iwagakure – I've learned – holds a lot of prisoners before other countries decide what to do with them. Other countries can hold their own prisoners, but the prison in Iwagakure is bigger than those ones. The prison is divided up into about ten large rooms, about the size of the entire hideout. Three of these rooms are for those in charge where they can talk, and relax, and rule all. The rest of the rooms are once again divided into about thirty small jail cells where the prisoners are kept. If each jail cell can hold about two prisoners at a time, the entire prison will hold…

OW! That hurts! I hate math…

Back to the fact that we might be rescued. Hidan-san enters the room, his scythe tapping on the floor as if it's a cane for him. Perhaps Kakuzu-san has tested this theory before; seeing how far Hidan-san can get with just one foot and his cane/scythe.

Deidara-sempai immediately looks up. He almost looks relieved to be hearing Hidan-san and Kakuzu-san. He jumps to the bars and rattles them. "Let us out of here, dumbasses, un!"

Not the best way to convince someone to help you escape from prison, but Deidara-sempai is darling and unique.

Hidan-san automatically appears in front of him, smirking that evil smirk of his. It's kind of like that one where you know someone is thinking something dirty about someone else. If Hidan-san found out, I would tell…well, someone who cares. I wouldn't be able to deal with him because – like I've probably said before – Hidan-san is a bully. I don't know if I've said that before, but I am now, so…nyah!

"Look who we have here." Hidan-san laughs. Hidan-san would be the perfect bad guy in a film if he had enough motivation and if people who made movies weren't so afraid of him. "Kakuzu! We have some fucking blond jailbait here! Quick! Find a fucking camera!"

It was almost as if Deidara-sempai's anger is fueled by Hidan-san, which is totally impossible because Hidan-san is too sweet to make people angry. Also, as a side note, Tobi has learned sarcasm while in prison.

Deidara-sempai's answer is quick and heated…just like him in every way…(sigh)… "Shut the hell up, idiot! You just want to take a picture so you can jerk off to it, un!"

"Hey! Fucking loser! Don't fucking think I'm as perverted as you!" Hidan-san calmed down slightly when he heard something down the hall.

"We don't have the time for this," Kakuzu-san hissed. "Get them out of there."

Hidan-san raised his scythe, and *shing* the bars fell apart with one slice. Have I ever mentioned that I love Hidan-san? Well, I don't, but he had his useful moments.

The next target of Hidan-san's all powerful wrath is the window on the other side of our cell. He chops the bars in half once again, giving us enough room to escape. The first to leave is Hidan-san's scythe, mostly because he threw it out the now opened window to see if it would fit. We then watch Deidara-sempai scamper out.

Correction: Hidan-san and Kakuzu-san watch, I drool, daydream, and wish with all my might.

Next is me because – according to Hidan-san – I'm completely useless. If this is what worthlessness gets you, then I say 'long live being useless'.

Kakuzu-san leaps out the window next, followed by Hidan-san. Hidan-san picks up his scythe, swings it over all our heads with the pointy blade pointed for our heads, and leads the way out of the city. One of the many good things about this prison, it's on the edge of the village, so there's nothing at all next to it.

It's all rather quiet, and almost too easy, until Hidan-san begins to talk. With him and I in the group, it's never a dull moment.

"So," Hidan-san begins. He looks serious and he glances to his left to look at Deidara-sempai. "Did you become some fucker's prison bitch?"

Although I love Deidara-sempai dearly, I felt like laughing. His gorgeous blue eyes widen at such a question, and anyone could tell that his first thoughts were murder.

"Bastard." Deidara-sempai scowls, turning away with a…no way…is that a blush? Now either he's blushing at the comment (which would be a little weird since he hears those kinds of remarks all the time), or the fact that he doesn't want Hidan-san to know that he almost went a little crazy in the cell, or he's blushing at Hidan-san just saying that. Behind my mask, my jaw almost drops. Under my cloak, my heart skips a beat, making my chest feel sore.

So, this is what it's like. This must have been what Deidara-sempai felt when Sasori-san died. Or what Itachi-san felt when he realized his brother loved Orochimaru more than incest… I mean…nevermind.

It isn't a good feeling, trust me.

Up ahead, the two are still arguing. The only thing that breaks me out of my Deidara-sempai induced depression is Kakuzu-san yelling, "If you two don't shut up, I'll either wire your mouths shut or make sure you two have to share a room when we stop." He lowers his breath so only I can hear it. "Sound like a married couple."

First of all, this is weird. I usually think that Kakuzu-san and Hidan-san sound more like a married couple. Secondly, I don't like this at all. Deidara-sempai is supposed to be with me. Not Hidan-san. Not Sasori-san. Not Kisame-san. And not the time I had a wetdream about him and Zetsu-san in the garden, completely undressed, and Deidara-sempai was using his hands to…nevermind. That's for Tobi's own use.

"Face it, Blondie," Hidan-san laughed, "the only fucking reason you took this fucking mission is because it fucking meant something to you. Get the fuck over it."

Another stab through the heart because it means that Hidan-san knows something I don't. I hope we stop somewhere soon. I want Hidan-san to take a nice, long nap, so I can stab him in his sleep. Good thing, he'll survive. Bad thing, he might get turned on by it and there will be a mess.

Tobi's mind is getting violent, but the frustration sex will more than make up for it. Unfortunately, if I can't convince Deidara-sempai to join me, I'll be doing this, once again, alone.

to be continued...

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- Atopos


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